The Negi - April, 2008

By Kevin Cooney and Peter Sidell

Gaijin Cull Part of Scientific Research Program

Despite mounting opposition to the plans, the Japanese ministry of Justice in partnership with the Ministry of Agriculture have vowed to press ahead with a controversial gaijin research program. Starting next month, specially designed trucks with nets and harpoons will begin a process of culling foreigners in known feeding and spawning grounds, Shibuya and Roppongi.

Despite a strong backlash from the international community, the Japanese government insists that the number of foreigners is by no means endangered, with studies showing a steady increase in their population over the past 10 years.

Speaking on the program, Government Minister Hiro Harukawa explained that the program must continue if the government is to gain a better understanding of foreigners, with past attempts at multiple choice questionnaires having failed.
   
“Foreign governments must also accept that this is a tradition in Japan dating back to earlier hunts of Christians," he told the assembled press. "Other countries have conducted similar experiments of their own, including America and Australia having ‘researched’ their native populations to near extinction.”

Comment was not returned immediately from the Foundation for Foreign Freedom. As yet unconfirmed reports suggest their spokesman has been harpooned.

‘Japanese Women Are Evil’, Claims Guy in Bar

Shocking new statistics have emerged from an independent survey of Japanese people conducted by Gary Matthews, an IT consultant 6 months into a 1 year contract in Tokyo.
   
“Japanese women are evil. My ex-girl friend was a lying bitch,” stated the results of the survey released at a British Pub in Shinjuku this past Sunday. The sampling data was collected from a survey group of 3 women, including Matthews' two ex-girlfriends and an unknown woman he often sees in his company’s elevator. The Survey has a margin of error of approximately 66 percent.
   
Previous statistical analysis conducted by the research hobbyist reveal, “All Japanese are shy”, “Taxi drivers are racists”, “Japanese teenage girls are all sluts.” While the results of his collected data are still being examined, the implications are far reaching. Matthews is currently planning several more surveys, focusing particularly on how foreigners are treated by Japanese shop staff.

Three Days of Consecutive Rain in Okinawa; Government to Probe Possible US Military Inolvement

Drying itself off after three consecutive days of rain, members of an Okinawan population already on edge after recent US military-related crimes have begun pointing fingers. Government officials responded quickly, promising to launch an immediate investigation to determine what involvement, if any, the US military may have had in the inclement weather.
   
Clutching a sign reading “Rain Rain Go Away!” at a protest outside the front gates of Kadena Airforce base, elderly resident Mariko Ueda explained, “Three days of consecutive rain is just unnatural. This is Okinawa. The government must do something to prevent this kind of thing from happening in the future.”

According to questions posed by journalists, 85% of Okinawan residents are ‘highly anxious’ about future rain, with 93% having already purchased umbrellas to protect themselves.
   
While the Okinawa government promised an inquest to see what link the bad weather and the US military presence might have, a spokesman warned against jumping to any premature conclusions. “It has not been confirmed that the US presence has anything to do with recent precipitation. However, if confirmed, the government will do it’s utmost in conjunction with the US government to prevent any such future incidents.” 

Asked how such an event might be avoided in the future, the spokesperson proffered, “A period of reflection for all military personnel to consider how they are personally responsible for such events.”

Olympic Hopeful Hopes Tibet Doesn’t Ruin Her Gold Medal Chances

 As world nations consider a possible boycott of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, Japanese marathon runner Mariko Isobe confided her fear that the Tibetan independence movement might, “screw up my chances at a gold. That would be total bullshit. I mean, yeah, I hope they get independence, but I’m 28 - this might be my last Olympics. I mean, they’ve been part of China for like 60 years, what difference will a few more make?”

News In Brief:

NHK Announces New Period Drama to Focus on One of the Three Remaining Edo Period Leaders Yet Dramatized

Research Shows Transition to Japanese Life Easy for Foreigners with OCD

Japanese Teen Prohibited by from Boarding US Plane Due to Length of Finger Nails

Ayumi Hamasaki Considers Releasing Album Full of Music

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